Believe. Often the number one factor in a survivor's recovery is whether or not they are believed. Add to this fact that statistically only 2-8% of sexual assault reports are false reports, and there is little reason not to believe a person when they tell you that they have been sexually assaulted.

Safety. There could still be danger, especially if the assault just happened. Make sure they are in a safe place by offering to stay with them, or by offering for them to stay with you. There may also be medical needs that need to be addressed. Even if a survivor doesn't feel hurt, there may be internal injuries that they don't know about. Offer to seek medical treatment, but it is very important that they aren't forced to go. It is still the survivor's decision.

Choices. Sexual Assault, Domestic Violence, and Stalking are all about power and control. For the survivor, control has been taken away and often needs to be restored. Offering small choices (i.e. talk at your place or my place; Pepsi or Coke) and supporting these decisions can do an incredible amount to build back confidence for the survivor. This can help to make the bigger decisions (i.e. filing a police report; going to the hospital; pressing charges). Whether you agree with these decisions or not, it's important to support the survivor and not to push the survivor into anything they don't want to do.

Listen. Listen more and talk less. It's important to follow the lead of the survivor as information unfolds. Often we may get curious, or want to know details about what happened or how, but avoid asking questions. Let the survivor tell you what they're ready to. Also be mindful of physical space. It's often best to sit on the same level and not to loom over them. As well as following their lead with talking, follow their lead with touching as well. Some really want a hug, and others may not want to be touched at all. It's best to ask before touching and respect the fact that even a close friend might not want to be touched.

Revenge. It is very common to feel angry that someone we know and love has been hurt. The anger is justified. What is not justified, however, is bringing more violence into the situation. Seeking revenge doesn't help the survivor; it only helps our own selfish need for violence. Further, it may put the survivor in more danger of further retaliation and at great risk of losing a system of support, as the person they just told will most likely be in jail.

Limitations. Particularly with those feelings of anger, it is important to take care of our own needs. Recovery is a long process that often needs professional assistance. Counselors are trained to help walk a person down that road: many of us are not. It is important that the person knows that they have a friend, but also that there are others available and trained to help. You may also benefit from talking to a counselor. Being a friend in this situation takes a lot of emotional energy, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and making sure that you're well equipped to help your loved one further.

(Adapted from John Faubert's "The Men's Program")

At Southeast we are a community that is committed to the prevention of sexual violence. We empower our campus through bystander intervention strategies and shared responsibility to promote the safety and well-being of all members of our community. Although we strive to foster a safe, secure learning environment, our community is not immune from sexual assault. When sexual violence occurs we want you to know that you are not alone, we believe you, and we are here to help. For confidential support, advocacy and counseling service please contact Center for Behavioral Health and Accessibility and Equity Initiatives. We will share resources and options to assist in the healing process.

Consent

Consent is an affirmative decision to engage in mutually acceptable sexual activity given by clear actions or words. Students should understand that consent may not be inferred from silence, passivity, or lack of active resistance alone. Furthermore, a current or previous dating or sexual relationship is not sufficient to constitute consent, and consent to one form of sexual activity does not imply consent to other forms of sexual activity.

Conduct will be considered “without consent” if no clear consent, verbal or nonverbal, is given. The perspective of a reasonable person will be the basis for determining whether an accused student knew, or reasonably should have known, whether consent was given. However, being intoxicated or incapacitated does not diminish one’s responsibility to obtain consent and will not be an excuse for sexual misconduct.

Incapacitation

Incapacitation is a state where someone cannot make rational, reasonable decisions or judgments because they lack the capacity to give knowing consent (e.g., to understand the “who, what, when, where, why, or how” of their sexual interaction). Incapacitation can occur mentally, from a cognitive impairment or development disability, or physically, from the use of alcohol or other drug use (voluntary or involuntary), or blackout (a period where memory formation is blocked or a period of consistent memory loss).

Sexual activity with someone you know to be or should know to be incapacitated constitutes a violation of the Code of Conduct. The Code of Conduct also covers a person whose incapacity results from mental disability, sleep, unconsciousness, involuntary physical restraint, or from the use of date rape drugs (voluntary or involuntary) (ATIXA, 2017).

Coercion and Force

Consent cannot be obtained through the use of physical force, threats, intimidation, or coercion. Sexual activity accompanied by any of these behaviors is not consensual.

Coercion refers to unreasonable pressure for sexual activity. When someone makes it clear that he/she does not want to engage in sexual activity or does not want to go beyond a certain point of sexual interaction, continued pressure beyond that point can be considered coercive. The use of coercion can involve the use of pressure, manipulation, substances, and/or force. Ignoring objections of another person is a form of coercion.

Force refers to the use of physical violence and/or imposing on someone physically to engage in sexual contact or intercourse. Force can also include threats, intimidation (implied threats), or coercion used to overcome resistance (Rutgers, 2017).

For information on the University's policy concerning Sexual Assault, go to Policies & Procedures For Defining & Adjudicating Sexual Harassment.

Common Reactions to Sexual Assault:

There is no right or wrong reaction to a Sexual Assault. Here are some reactions that may be expected:

• Emotions
• Shock
• Numbness
• Loss of control
• Disorientation
• Helplessness
• Sense of vulnerability
• Fear
• Self-blame/guilt for "allowing" the crime to happen
• Feeling that these reactions are a sign of weakness
• Behavior
• Crying
• Yelling
• Shaking
• Calmness: Seemingly Unaffected
• Withdrawing from Social Settings
• Sexual Promiscuity
• Self-Medication with Alcohol or drugs
• Lack of Concentration or Energy
• Change in Eating
• Nightmares/ Flashbacks

Again, it is important to know that a person may experience any or multiple of these. There is no right or wrong way to feel, but know that there are people here to help.

Domestic and Relationship Violence includes any number of behaviors used by one person to control another in a current or former relationship.

Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Psychological Abuse, Social Isolation, and Economic Deprivation are all included in the term Domestic Violence. Any one or a combination of these is never okay, and is against the law.

Physical Abuse is any actual or threatened physical attacks, even when these physical attacks are not directed at the person, but instead at a wall or breaking a possession. It may often begin by "playful" pinching or pushing, but often escalates to shoving, burning, and striking.

Sexual Abuse is any forced or coerced sexual act. Just because someone is in a relationship, does not make them obligated to any sexual behavior. Also, often, after a bout of violence, the abuser feels guilt or remorse and wants to "make love" to put things right. Out of fear of further violence, a survivor may give in.

Psychological Abuse is attacks on the targets self-esteem and self-worth. This often takes the form of name-calling, manipulation, or intimidation. Often after a survivor's self-worth has been broken down, they may feel responsible for further abuse. Many people believe that as long as a person isn't being hit, that it isn't that bad. The effects of psychological abuse, however, often last much longer than those of physical abuse.

Social Isolation occurs through manipulation, by playing on a person's sympathies, by intimidation, or by forbidding a person to go out or to see friends and family. The effect is further control, as the person loses resources available to them.

Economic Deprivation occurs either by theft, by destruction of property, or by clinging to traditional values of one person being "the bread winner." Again, the effect is that the survivor has fewer resources and is further under the control of the abuser.

Domestic Violence tends to follow a predictable cycle.

During the apology period, an abuser may seem incredibly remorseful and even sweet to the person being abused. This explains, in part, why a person stays within these abusive relationships.

Stalking is any willful and repeated action that would cause a reasonable person to feel harassed, frightened, or intimidated. While many people believe that stalkers are harmless, and best if left alone, stalking is a very serious crime that can, and often does, escalate to physical violence and/or sexual assault.

Stalking can take many forms. Here is a list of common means of contact used by stalkers:

• Telephone
• Wait outside/inside residence
• Watch from afar
• Follow
• Send letters
• E-Mail
• Show up uninvited
• Send gifts

The majority of stalkers use multiple of means of contact.

You'll notice that often one single incidence of these alone would not raise alarm with most people. But when they are repeated and the effect is that the target is made afraid or intimidated, they take on a much more sinister appearance and constitute a violation of a person's privacy and sense of well-being, as well as breaking the law.